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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
callan's LiveJournal:
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| Friday, October 7th, 2005 | | 8:25 pm |
| | Tuesday, August 24th, 2004 | | 9:52 am |
| | Wednesday, July 28th, 2004 | | 11:38 am |
alright, so i dont know about any thing. maybe im looking strenuously for something to focus on but every thing is changeing positions so fast, like im on fucking shitty speed or something. i feel so alone, i mean, i hang out with so many people, so many friends, im hardly ever by my self, yet when i think of the night life or even 4 moments ago i cant see any ones face. nothing is important to me. i just want someone to do it for me, tell me what is going on between you and i? back to something that every one can relate to: theres this really cute guy and..... | | Wednesday, June 16th, 2004 | | 4:16 pm |
kids who grow up in thier dads offices i think end up being more of the type that live in one of thoes low grade crummy movies. whats worse? the paradox of multiple santas or finding out that your baby sitter wasnt your friend, just your baby sitter. california always lets me feel in a bubble | | Friday, April 30th, 2004 | | 7:21 pm |
there is no tunnle for me
im not very proud of the things i did today. out of state, out of mind, im discust(ed-ing). and when i whatch others to see the way they move, ill use oh-so descriptive words so all of them will see that i must be one of thoes kids thats actually worth living. all the shells will disapate exposing the hollow, empty, space of where the idea of "the cool way to flick a cigarett" hangs from the spines of thoes who cant wrap there minds around the idea of "carring." i hate you so much i want to hang the jaws of who created you abouve my window. william james's theory of introspection, which dunlap examines, does not assume a single observer. it changed after the publication of his "psychology" in consequence of his abandoning the dualism of thought and things. you can explore it all you want, and then youll die. its pointless. | | Tuesday, April 13th, 2004 | | 11:48 am |
the man with a briefcase gave me some kind of pills that made the insides of my viens feel scraped out. im reading three books right now, one of wich makes me in thoes silly worm moods. shake it like a salt shaker shake it like a salt shaker. | | Tuesday, April 6th, 2004 | | 9:03 am |
of course it only happends when its raining. i have these beautiful revelations in my head and every thing fits together. i called martha to make a mends. i doubt any thing will come of it but at least there are no crule intensions behind it. things feel good. all the wamas think im a coke head. its kinda funny. to every one out there no im not a coke head. yall are ninny's i cant wait to see my dad when i die. it will be great. oh im not vegan any more, im not taking a break, im just not vegan. this weekend im gonna fufill my comission on a painting someone wants to buy from me, that feeling of acomplishment is one i hope ill get through a job that i know i need. i have to go dance, sorry. | | Monday, March 29th, 2004 | | 9:26 pm |
ive been thinking when i dont want to, ive been blank when i need it. i hate my self, something new? andy is a sweet heart. jeff needs to cool it. allie's new boy friend is turning her into a new person, its gonna hurt when they break it off. for all of austin highs information im not a bloody coke head. i saw martha today at a coffee shop and got up to say hello and be civil about our akwardness, and she walked away. way to be mature on that note win never called. i am so surprized because he rarely ever doesnt do what he says hes gonna do did i mention i hate my self? happy birthday yesterday clare. | | Tuesday, March 23rd, 2004 | | 11:23 am |
yesterday was my birthday, really all last week. i dont know whats wrong with me, recently i cant just only get drunk, i get more than smashed. it makes me want to vomit. and its super imbarrasing all the shit i do. oh well though, its my birthday, im allowed. people who pause after you tell them something unexpected make me want to grab their face and shake them into a more resonable reality. dumb fucks. happy birthday! yay!!!!!!!! | | Saturday, March 13th, 2004 | | 12:39 pm |
i know there is that wild side to me where i just dont stop and i do it all. its great! i love feeling like life is nothing and every thing at the same time. latly this is how ive been all the time, i dont feel scared, i dont feel crippled from the past, i dont feel regretful. im going on a road trip with some people i met at huntington surry. it will be really fun. we dont know where were going yet, were just driving. i leave monday. well, thats my retarded update. danny is at my school now, i love him. oh, and the most embarasing moment of my life occured at aproximatly 3am last night. i feel embarased but i dont care that much. but oh shit yall, seriously hahahhah | | Saturday, February 28th, 2004 | | 11:13 am |
me and jeff broke up we went to breakfast this morning and were both crying the waitress wanted to bring us tissues but i was to embarrased i dont know what to do every thing is numb i hate this world and the way i live i feel like i didnt make it good enough for him. this whole thing is a re-play to me of me and win and its so pathetic that i still cant handle what happend between him and i. im so fucking fucked up! no i dont love jeff, and the only reason i want to say that is so that i can show win that i kept my end of the bargin. how messed up is that? im so selfish. we feel things totaly different but i understand because i have felt them before. and i hate that. i hate that. in my heart its not even about jeff, its about my dad, and its about win. MY DAD!!! i feel like every thing just falls apart you know. like this whole world is hopeless and there will never be a moment where i make the right decision. im putting him through this cycle and people just dont get out of it. you know there is that dumb saying that you never forget your first love? well i think its because it never stops hurting. and that is what i will do to him. i will alwyas hurt him. this wasnt supposed to be this hard. i dont feel like this. he doesnt feel like this. especially him. since when did he start carring? he just is so innocent and hurt. it was so hard for him to finnish one sentence without choking on his tears. along time ago i asked him IF we broke up (far far) in the future how long he would be sad for. because i thought he wouldnt be really that upset, and if he would have been it would last no longer then 3 days, maybe 4. but his answer was "untill i got you back." today when he was sitting across the table he asked me if i remembered that. and he said it would stop hurting when he got me back, but he wanted me to be right and he wished he didnt care enough to hurt. i feel so guilty. i have so much to say but only narraration is coming out. so i walked in my house and a song my mother and i used to listen to when i was groing up was on the radio. and i feel like shes the only stable person in my life. and im so alone. but i guess this is what i asked for. and i dont even know why im crying. or why this hurts so bad. but i hate every single god damn relationship. i feel like the minister in that story the ministers black veil by edger allen poe. i still have mine on. | | Friday, February 27th, 2004 | | 12:21 pm |
should i or shouldnt i break up with jeff or stay with him there is so much more to the story....so much more but i cant put it on the internet, he might read it... im such a bad girlfriend i just dont think im the girl friend type. i am more of the go out and party and get drunk and have a good time. | | Tuesday, February 24th, 2004 | | 8:57 am |
SOUTH BY SOUTH WEST!!!!
okay, so im not really a fan because its a hell of alot of money. and usually all the good bands are from austin any way and you can always listen to them later. buuuut i can make a few exceptions. especialy because ive never even heard the american anolog set live. i went to go have breakfast with the tarry town girls who i havnt seen in forever. on arival i relized they are so different then me and i could never figure out if my frustrasions with their life stiyle would over come our friendships but i think checking in every once in a while is good because never the less i used to have this amazing relationship with all of them untill mid-freshman year. i feel clear, not that i had weight on my sholders or any thing but it made me feel good. bike ride pronto. yay callan. i miss monty! | | Monday, February 23rd, 2004 | | 11:36 am |
yesterday was summer, i swear to you. oh wait, i mean the day before. okay so here is the layout.. wake up by perfect sun light because me and daniel slept in this twin mattres by the window. and after i layed in bed for a while i move around alot to wake up daniel (hahhaha sceeming)and him and i go down stairs (in allies house) and try to scare john but hes already up and adam, and in need of some serious tooth brushing. then we relize were so hungry so we drink left over beer and sit out side on the roof thinking of where to go eat. then allie wakes up so we wake up chad and leave to find some food. we walk all the way to clarksville and i felt like it was striat from a movie or something because i had a bag of beer, daniel had his guitar, chad had his skate board, john had his knife (???) and allie had her friut. it was fabulous. so then i scored some free food at west lynn and then chad was helping me brush up on some skate boarding tricks (it was really fun) then we all went to barton springs and me and allie layed out topless. later me and john and daniel were talking and we came up with the idea to go caneoing and so we convinsed the guy to let us use the caneo for free!!! and we paddled all the way to AHS and we left daniel in the middle of the lake once and we caught a turtle (but let him go) and all this crazy fun stuff. then we found these guys that air brush graffiti and he spray painted all this cool stuff on our clothes. but not my clothes because none of what i was whereing was mine (a nother summer qualification). then it was getting dark so me and chad caught a ride home from this random truck driver, and he let us out on barton springs and lamar! WAY FAR AWAY FROM WHERE WE NEEDED TO GO!!! so then me and chad walked all the way back to my house and got there around 930!!!! and my shoes were all bloody from getting blisters! ugh! but its okay. then i was going to go to a party but i fell asleep. and when i woke up all these people from ahs called and i was so mad i fell asleep because i could have just seen and played with them. but ya know! YAY SUMMER!!! i spoke with jeff. im excited for him to come home, he gets here wednesday. i miss walking down congress when we have nothing else to do and holding hands. thats so much fun even though it sounds like nothing. oh and i got a free bottle of 30 spf sunscreen which works out perfectly because i avoid getting any sun at all costs and im broke! wahoo! oh adn me daniel and john are going to build a raft and camp out for a night on lake travis. all are welcomed! | | Thursday, February 19th, 2004 | | 8:31 am |
i went to barton springs for the first time yesterday with my new huntington surry friends! it was alot of fun. most of them were really stoned so im sure it was much more fun for them. the water was so nice and virtually no one really goes right now so it was cleane and all. ive been happy for a while, i miss that intelectual downward spiral that makes you think about what really matters, but hey, the grass is always greener on the other side. and summer is coming, it will be tight~ oh when is austin high's spring break?!?! someone please let me know, its really importantay. ill let yall know why later and to CLARE HENDERSON. lets go fishing before we get a nother cold front!!!! i miss ya. | | Sunday, February 15th, 2004 | | 8:37 pm |
so yeah i know, i never update any more. but what the hell you know? i miss every one at austin high so god damn much! i would give shout outs to yall but the list would go on and on. i told jeff that i didnt love him. he wasnt to upset, and i had pretty good reason. im really proud of my self to. this is how it went: he told me we were going to go see ryan next weekend in colorado. i was so stoked because it was going to be such a good time zach came in town to take him up there but i couldnt go because i they didnt make plans. this i understand, your friend comes in town, free ride up there. its all good. but jeff doesnt like me around his friends any way, he always acts like an ass whole and im his bitch when one of his girl friends are over or he never has time to speak with me if were in public. and ive never REALLY made a big deal out of it because its something i just deal with. but then i relized that hes going to be goen for maybe 2 weeks and this whole time he wont even call me unless i ask him to and when he does, hes not going to be sweet and any less then "my boyfriend." so this is exactly what i told him and you will never belive his responce... "yeah i know, but youll be fine." ahhhhhhhhhhh! what a fuckin ass whole! right?! i mean, since when am i at your beck and call? so i told him if he's going to act like that, then im going to act liek that. well, if you know me i didnt really say that, hahhaah but i did tell him that im just going to chill out because i feel like im being taken for granted. and then we started fooling around and he backed up with a smerk and said.... "tell me you cant love this" it honestly sickend me, how could he be so full of him self. so i told him... "i dont love you" and then i kissed him so i feel proud of my self, and i feel honest. i hate lying. other than that. hummm, let me think... update update update... oh hahah im going to start taking a strip tease class!! hooray for me! and im doing fabulous in school! speaking of wich i have to write this paper, i compleatly forgot! well, other than that i am doing well in school haha. and ive been cleane from drugs for 2 and a half weeks now! im really feeling like im actually getting shit doen, its such a good feeling, and im seeing what ive been missing out on! and my mother and i are going to try and quit smoking cigaretts together, after she goes to paris, and ive got the house to my self, with my 18 year old cuz, who parties hard, did i mencion that the house comes with out parentals? any one? | | Wednesday, February 4th, 2004 | | 10:29 am |
okay so here i am, its so beautiful out side! the rain is my favorite thing in the worlds entirerty. im reading edgar allan poe and the only reason i like his stories is because he is soooooo crazy! and it puts perspective when i analize my self and relize compared to him im more on the sane side. huntington: well i got in! thank you universe. or rather thank you jonny. here is the deal: my clases are TINY!! and every one says that im a party, big crowed, big school kinda gal. and although i am, i think this will make me forget how great it is to be like that and eventually i will settle for having friends because i have to. its so weird saying that out loud - its like admitting that im about to force my self to change because im conforming to all the air head blonde girls that get A's not because they see the meaning in it, but because there parents told them there was meaning in it. i hate girls like that! but then i guess people were all born, people all die, and there isnt so much off the loop from wich we stray. i guess we are all more alike then i immagine. but, back to school i go. and its not so bad, chemistry blows, but ive excepted i can NEVER get away from it, no matter how much i resist. kinda like sertain people and death, its inevitable if you live. mind update: i feel alone, but im only upset about it because its waisting my time. im so fucking mad at someone, its not any of you, but this one person i want to through a fist at, honest i would probibly win because this person cant fight worth shit, and i cant fight any one because im small, but this person, i have so much fury with and im so angry at i bet the beast in me (i know there is one) would just let loose. if this person died an unnatural death, like got struck by lightning, or abducted by aliens, i would cry and attend the funeral, and still be so mad!! but i really want to hurt this person, or make this person see what the person did. step out of the box you fucker! any way, enough hate. every one i miss you. and im still gonna chill every once and a while. dont freak out. i love yall | | Wednesday, January 28th, 2004 | | 5:20 pm |
What random object are you?
You are an Ink Pen. Pens are interesting people. They are complex and have an individual and unique thought process. They look beyond the ordinary, and people know you for you creativity. You probably like to write, or express your creativness in things such as drama, poetry, writng lyrics, or just pondering. Pens are complex, smart people, who have good potential. | | Tuesday, January 20th, 2004 | | 11:24 am |
click on me and maybe ill smile
last time i stated i was happy in an entry it backfired and my mother tried to kick me out of the house. so im just going to imply it with great honesty. my mother and i made up. we both were crying excesivly because she was yelping her confesions to what a bad mother shes been. i was spilling my gratitude out in tears for how things were going to get better for the both of us. and since then it has been so. granted this incodent was only last night. but i have faith. so im back to smoking cigaretts. i am home skipping the entire day of classes. me and jeff...ill leave it at that. but i still feel worth living. (happy!!) aaannnndddd.....IM GONNA LEARN TO PLAY THE DRUMS!! im so stoked. thanks alex. right now i could be in jimmy eat world and no one would no the difference!!!!! yay me!! and to jordan. i love you so much and i was just htinking of you right now and how you are the one feuling my energy! i love you babe. | | Monday, January 19th, 2004 | | 11:14 am |
sorry im unorganized, the thought of loosing you again inables me from keeping my own life strait. the end has felt way to close latly and when it comes, there is no doupt the rush of solitude and anger will have the same impact with or without death. i love you so much. and the words are used to carlessly by the people in New York but im saying it with every ounce of meaning it has. i love you. i love you like ive never loved any one. sometimes i even question the the way i love my dad - do i love him because he's gone? do i love him because he was so insparational? or am i just a regular iron-twisted teenage fuck up prone to the madness of my generation. but right here, i love you more because im sertain of what i feel. the most stable thing in my life is my heart that is in your hands. and you can rip it apart as much as you like but i wont stop! you have doen every thing to hurt me. physicaly, i can handle the bruses - mentaly, ill wither away till its only you that i strap my self to - but emotionaly, i would loose my self in a matter of seconds if i could just keep you. preseved the way i think of you. wouldnt tell a soul, i wouldnt write it in any worthless journal i keep, i would just fold you up, perfect creases and all, and slip you imbetween my fingertips to fidget with when your on my mind. and there i would have you perfect as aways. and you have to understand, i do the best i can. but im so scared. im terrified of losing you. and thats bacically the end. i hate it that i love you. sometiems i think i deserve better. but i know your the best, youve just forgotten. any way.... im sorry |
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